Normalizing Discord in Relationships: Why Rupture & Repair is Key to Intimacy
Discover how the ups and downs of relationships can foster intimacy and growth. Insights from the book The Power of Discord provide a new framework for understanding relational conflict and the power of repair - especially when paired with in-person therapy in San Francisco.
ATTACHMENT THEORYBOOK RECOMMENDATION
Relationships often face challenges that can leave us feeling disconnected and misunderstood. As humans, we are wired to be in connection and relationship with each other. For this reason, these moments of conflict and disconnection from those who are important to us can have powerful impact.
Based on decades of research, The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust by Claudia M. Gold, MD, and Ed Tronick, PhD, offers a compelling narrative reframing these challenges while highlighting the power of repair after relational ruptures. At my practice, offering therapy in San Francisco, these ideas and lessons are embraced to support individuals and couples in their navigating of the complexities of their relationships.
The Core Idea: Growth Through Mismatch and Repair
Gold and Tronick present a compelling argument: no relationship is free from conflict. These "mismatches," or moments when one person’s actions or emotions do not align with another’s expectations, are inevitable. It is through these mismatches and the subsequent repair process that trust and safety are built. The presence of intentional efforts to reconnect and understand each other after a rupture can be powerful medicine for the heart.
Drawing from decades of developmental psychology research, the authors explain how the "mismatch and repair" process begins in infancy. Babies and caregivers experience countless moments of discord, but through repair—comforting touch, soothing words, and mutual regulation—relationships are strengthened. This framework applies to all relationships, highlighting how repair builds resilience and fosters emotional intimacy.
Key Lessons from The Power of Discord
Imperfection is the Norm: The book emphasizes that striving for perfection in relationships is unrealistic. Instead, acknowledging and accepting imperfections can create space for genuine connection.
Resilience Through Repair: When conflicts arise, the ability to address and resolve them—rather than avoid or ignore them—builds trust and emotional strength. Gold and Tronick illustrate this with vivid examples, including real-life stories of couples and families navigating discord.
The Importance of Playfulness: Playfulness is highlighted as a vital tool for repairing relationships. Humor and light-hearted moments can diffuse tension and restore connection, even in difficult times. As highlighted in a previous blog article on attachment theory, research shows that gay couples and LGBTQ+ couples in general are particularly good at this.
Understanding Misattunement: Misattunement—the failure to align with another’s emotional state—is natural and common. Recognizing this helps reduce blame and promotes a more compassionate response during conflicts.
Embracing Vulnerability: Repair often requires vulnerability, such as admitting mistakes or expressing hurt feelings. Therapy provides a supportive environment to practice this crucial skill.
Therapy as a Path to Relational Growth and Satisfaction
Therapy builds on these insights by offering a safe and protected space to explore and practice the mismatch and repair cycle. In-person therapy sessions allow for real-time interactions, supporting clients explore new, and sometimes previously unimagined ways, to navigate emotional misalignments thus leading to stronger, and deeper bonds.
Unique, Personalized Insight: Therapy supports individuals and couples in their identification of patterns of discord and development of organic strategies for effective repair.
Building Emotional Awareness: Therapy can facilitate the process where clients get an increasingly holistic and deeper awareness of emotional triggers and responses, a critical first step in managing relational discord.
Therapy as a Relationship: Ongoing therapy in and of itself is a relationship. Through privileging what is going on in the room in the here-and-now, clients have the opportunity to explore new relational dynamics in a safe, non-judgmental space.
I hold the belief that each person inherently has what they need to feel whole and self-actualized. In therapy, I aspire to create a safe, welcoming space.
Whether you’re navigating relationship difficulties, seeking to deepen your self-awareness, or learning to embrace vulnerability, therapy can help. The principles in The Power of Discord, illustrate ideas core to what I have found to be some of the most transformative aspects of psychotherapy.
Taking the First Step - Challenging and Generative
Reach out to schedule a free therapy consultation. Begin down the path of self-exploration and healing is not easy but that first step, I find, can lead to so many uncharted and unoccupied territories. Therapy can be challenging but is also a place to experiment, play, and be curious - together.
