This article is part of the Men’s Therapy series on masculinity and mental health.
Hungry for Connection: The Emotional Needs Men Are Taught to Ignore
Many men are surrounded by people but feel unknown. This post explores the emotional disconnection men face—and how therapy can help.
When "Fine" Isn't the Truth
Ask a man how he's doing and you'll often get: "I'm fine."
Not because he is. But because it feels safer. Safer than saying, "I feel invisible," or "I wish someone really knew me."
A 2023 report from the nonprofit Equimundo found that nearly two-thirds of men aged 18–23 say "no one really knows me." A 2021 survey by the Center on American Life found that less than half of all men report being satisfied with their friendships. This isn’t just a loneliness crisis. It’s an emotional hunger crisis.
Masculinity Taught Us to Starve Ourselves
From boyhood, many men are taught to suppress the parts of themselves that connect them to others. You can be strong. You can be independent. But don’t be needy. Don’t cry. Don’t say you miss your friend. Don’t admit you're lonely.
Psychologist Ronald Levant coined the term normative male alexithymia to describe this emotional disconnection—a kind of learned inability to identify, express, or even feel emotional needs. It doesn’t mean men have no emotions. It means they were taught not to feel them.
Sociologist Michael Kimmel calls this the Guy Code — a set of unwritten rules that reward emotional silence and punish vulnerability. Men learn that asking for emotional closeness is weak. That "real men" don’t need anyone.
But the truth is: we all need connection. And pretending otherwise comes at a cost.
The Hidden Symptoms of Emotional Hunger
When men don’t feel safe expressing emotional needs, those needs don’t go away. They just go underground. Here’s what that can look like:
You’re constantly busy but feel empty inside
You joke a lot but don’t feel truly known
You feel bored or restless in close relationships
You don’t know what you want emotionally—just what you're "supposed" to want
This isn’t a personal flaw. It’s a learned survival strategy in a culture that hasn’t made space for male emotional life.
What Therapy Offers That the World Doesn’t
Therapy can be the first place a man hears the question: "What do you need?" and isn’t judged for answering.
In our work together, we can:
Name and normalize emotional needs
Practice expressing needs in a way that feels honest and grounded
Unpack internalized rules that block connection
Build emotional vocabulary and embodied awareness
There’s no agenda to make you less masculine. Just more whole.
You Deserve to Be Known
You can be strong and still need support. You can be independent and still crave closeness. You don’t have to starve your emotional life to keep your identity.
If you’ve ever wondered why things feel off even when life looks fine, therapy might be the space where things start to make sense.
Click here now to book a free consultation →
Sources:
Equimundo (2023). The State of American Men: Finding Connection in a Disconnected World.
Center on American Life (2021). Survey on American Friendship.
Levant, R. F., & Richmond, K. (2007). A Review of Research on Masculinity Ideologies Using the Male Role Norms Inventory.
Kimmel, M. (2006). Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men.
