Healing Without Closure: Lessons on Loss, Immigration, and Healing

Loss doesn’t always come neatly packaged. Sometimes, it lingers — messy, painful, unfinished. And in these moments, finding peace can feel impossible.

Psychologist Pauline Boss, in her conversation with Krista Tippett on On Being, gives us a roadmap for these harder, hazier losses. She names it ambiguous loss — a term that offers relief just by existing. And she reminds us that healing is possible even when closure isn’t.

What Is Ambiguous Loss?

Ambiguous loss happens when there's no clear goodbye. It might be a loved one lost to dementia. A relationship that ends without explanation. Or a family left behind after immigration.

Boss explains: Our brains crave resolution. We want clear endings so we can move on. But some experiences resist closure. They ask us to live in the gray areas — where grief and hope intertwine.

The Invisible Grief of Immigration

One of the most powerful parts of Boss’s conversation is when she speaks about immigration and loss.

When people leave their homelands — whether by choice or necessity — they often experience deep, invisible grief. They might never see family again. Traditions, languages, and familiar places are left behind. Even when immigration leads to safety or opportunity, it can also come with heartbreak that’s hard to name.

Boss calls this out as another form of ambiguous loss: mourning the people and places you can't fully say goodbye to.

For LGBTQ+ individuals, especially, immigration may also mean escaping rejection or danger — adding layers of both relief and profound sorrow.

Why Closure Isn't Always the Goal

Western culture pushes us to "get over" loss. To find silver linings. To hurry grief along. But Pauline Boss challenges that.

Some losses never resolve. And that’s okay.

Instead of waiting for closure, we can learn to live alongside our grief. To make room for sadness and joy to coexist. Healing, Boss says, is not about forgetting — it’s about learning to carry the loss differently.

Coping with Ambiguous Loss

Whether you're navigating grief after a breakup, estrangement from family, or the quiet mourning that can come with immigration, here’s what might help:

1. Name Your Loss

Sometimes just knowing that what you’re feeling has a name — ambiguous loss — can ease the loneliness.

2. Let Go of "Closure"

You don’t need a tidy ending to move forward. Grieving and growing can happen side by side.

3. Honor What Was

Create rituals or small moments to acknowledge what (or who) you miss. This helps make the loss real, even if the world doesn’t see it.

4. Reach Out for Support

Whether it's through therapy for gay, queer, and bi men, grief and loss therapy, or LGBTQ+ support groups, finding spaces where your story is understood can be life-changing.

Living Fully, Even in the In-Between

Pauline Boss’s work is a gentle reminder: Life doesn’t have to be fully resolved to be fully lived. We can hold grief in one hand and hope in the other. We can honor what we’ve lost while still building something beautiful.

If you’re navigating ambiguous loss — from family estrangement, immigration grief, or the quiet loneliness that can come with living authentically in a world that doesn’t always understand — know this: your healing is valid. And you don’t have to do it alone.

If you're seeking psychotherapy to deal with these or other issues or challenges, please consider reaching out today for a free consultation.