Grief in Gay and Bi Men: Why “Just Get Over It” Doesn’t Work
Grief in gay and bi men often goes unrecognized. Therapy for gay men in San Francisco offering space for family estrangement, loss, and anxiety.
When you’re hurting, there’s nothing more isolating than being told to “just get over it.”
If you’re a gay, queer, or bi man, you may know this all too well, whether after a breakup, family estrangement, or even the grief of living in a world that doesn’t always see your full humanity.
In my work providing therapy for gay men in San Francisco, I often meet men who have been told - directly or indirectly - to move on faster than they’re ready to. After a relationship ends. After a painful coming out. After distance grows with family. After losing community.
But grief doesn’t follow a timeline. And for many LGBTQ+ men, it’s layered in ways that aren’t always obvious.
Healing isn’t about “getting over it.” It’s about being allowed to feel what was lost.
Grief Isn’t Earned, It’s Felt
In his article Who Has the Right to Mourn? (2019), psychoanalyst Harvey Peskin highlights a painful truth: not all grief is treated equally. Some losses are recognized. Others are minimized or ignored.
For queer men, this can show up in powerful ways.
A partner’s death may be downplayed if the relationship wasn’t considered “official.” Family estrangement might be treated as inevitable or deserved. The loss of belonging - in family, faith, or culture, often goes unnamed. But grief is not something we have to qualify for. It’s not a competition. It doesn’t need permission.
When loss isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t disappear. It often shows up instead as anxiety, irritability, isolation, or a sense of emotional numbness — often tangled up with shame.
Grief that isn’t witnessed tends to get carried alone.
The Layers Many Gay Men Carry
Grief for LGBTQ+ men is rarely about one single event.
Suzanne Little (2021), writing about intersectional psychoanalysis, describes how loss can exist in layers - shaped by sexuality, race, immigration, and belonging. For some men, grief is not only about a breakup or a death. It may include:
Growing up feeling unseen or unsafe
Losing connection with family after coming out
Navigating racism within queer spaces
Leaving a home country or community
Letting go of a future once imagined
Some losses don’t have clear endings. Some don’t have rituals. Some don’t have language.
When the world fails to recognize these experiences as grief, they often turn inward - becoming anxiety, self-criticism, or withdrawal.
Why “Just Move On” Misses the Point
When people say “just get over it,” they’re usually uncomfortable with lingering pain.
But some forms of grief don’t resolve neatly. Family estrangement doesn’t have a clean goodbye. The loss of belonging doesn’t come with closure. Even the grief of having had to hide parts of yourself can live quietly for years.
Healing isn’t about erasing what happened. It’s about making room for it -without shame.
For many gay and bi men, that process requires being in a space where grief is not minimized or rushed.
Therapy as a Place to Be Fully Seen
In therapy with gay, queer, and bi men, honoring grief means:
Naming losses that were never publicly acknowledged
Making space for complex feelings without pushing toward quick resolution
Understanding how grief and anxiety are often intertwined
Exploring how past relational wounds continue to shape intimate relationships
Many of the men I work with aren’t just grieving one event. They’re grieving relationships, family connections, a sense of safety, or the version of themselves they once had to hide.
When those experiences are witnessed - not dismissed -something shifts. The anxiety softens. The self-criticism eases. Relationships begin to feel more possible.
If you’re a gay or bi man in San Francisco navigating grief, anxiety, or family rejection, you don’t have to carry it alone. You can learn more about therapy for gay men in San Francisco and how this work can support you.
Click here now to schedule a free consultation.
References
Peskin, H. (2019). Who Has the Right to Mourn? Relational Deference and the Ranking of Grief. Psychoanalytic Dialogues.
Little, S. (2021). Whose Other? Reflections on Belkin’s “Towards an Intersectional Psychoanalysis of Race, Gender, and Sexuality.” Contemporary Psychoanalysis.
